They’re off the table. We can’t talk about my past errors.” And if one of those past errors does come up, then they’re going to tell you that a) that’s not your concern, b) it’s in the past, it’s over, and they have rationalizations and excuses. Once again, always somebody else’s fault. They can’t forgive you, they can’t forgive themselves, and they can’t be objective about an intense history of issues. They kind of just go into a deep cover-up mode.
Now I return and I explain to them it’s truly pathetic when you’ve successfully talked yourself into having to build your life around lies. They won’t listen to that. They’ll be like, “Well, at least you’ve got me here to set it straight.” But it’s amazing how self-centered that truth then becomes. Narcissists are so embarrassed that they just can’t acknowledge that their approach to life has not worked, is defective, and is dysfunctional. But if you mention it to them, it’s like, “No, glad you have me around,” and that’s why I say that their deceptions essentially characterize them.
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I hope you can see right through that because, of course, you don’t want to get caught up in all that dysfunction with them. Now, this is a problem for you. One is, that it’s understandable at times for you to call foul. Let them know, “I’m not on your team. I don’t have those things that you have.” And, of course, they’re going to bite you with all their venom. Another thing that we’re going to do is say to them, “Consider their denial. Consider their victim-shaming,” because they’re going to shame you for getting frustrated with them.
But then, when you read this, be definite about your independence. I told you that your freedom, your independence, is going to threaten them. You know what? That is not something for you to say, “I have the luxury of deciding for myself who I am, how I think, and how I’m going to get things organized.” We’re not dealing with very dangerous material here. We’re talking about common sense. And when they respond, “Well, that’s just inaccurate,” my response is, “Well, what it is is that’s your way of thinking, and I’m not inside that mold.”
Then, give up the illusion that you can or should enlighten them. I mean, wouldn’t it be great if you could just sit down and say, “Hey, there are some things we need to discuss and get clear about,” and they’d be like, “Oh, this is great. I’ve been waiting to have this conversation”? They’re not going to do that. Let go of the fantasy that you’re going to somehow or another get them around. And then, of course, you just have to kind of clear room as you’re going to. There are times when you do have to pull back from the relationship entirely, and if that is not an option, then you become as bare-bones as you possibly can.
And so, therefore, narcissists are disinformation game negotiators. They’re only lying to you because they’re lying to themselves, and what happens at the end is the net effect, which is we back into the shadow self is the shadow self maintains power. The shadow self is everything that they were not going to work on, all those things they were not going to do, and it unbeknownst to them causes devastation and conflict. What that means is that there’s a whole lot of psychological trash that they’re just not reconciling, and they’re certainly not shedding that.
Read More: 5 Hardest Tests of God You Passed When Dealing with the Narcissist
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