Number 2: They get you to stand up for them to others, and this is one of the most deliberate plays in their playbook.
They will do something public or in front of someone close to you that is crossing a boundary, and it is, beyond any doubt, offensive and rude. It’s just so inappropriate that everyone in the room stops for a nanosecond. They do it so that they have a moment to see what you are going to do next. If someone calls them out or responds, they will not own up. They will not apologize. They will shrink; they will appear wounded; they will behave as if the world is being unjust to them. And in that moment, without being asked, you step forward. You defend them.
You rationalize them. You explain their words. You inform them they didn’t say it that way, or they’re misunderstood, or they had a bad week. And in doing so, you not only protect their reputation, you also provide them with proof. Proof that you will risk your social standing to uphold their facade. And the more you do it, the more they pressure you, because now they’re not only checking how loyal you are; they’re checking how far you’ll go to defend the lie. They’re checking your shame threshold.
They want to know if you’ll throw away your reputation, your relationships, your truth, all for the sake of keeping the illusion alive. Because the moment you’ve done it once, they know you’ll keep doing it. Over time, it’s your job to explain their bad moods, their disrespect, their lies, their disappearing acts. You’re the one calming everything down. You’re the one who takes the blame for their behavior. And with each explanation you offer, a little bit of you is gone.
Your voice softens; your intuition gets clouded; your limits get lax. You stop responding to what is real and begin responding to what they want you to see. Because to sustain the defense, you need to convince yourself that they’re worth it. And in doing so, you stop trusting yourself. You begin living in their world, not because you are weak, but because they have conditioned you to take on their responsibility. They’ve made their shame, and you’re carrying it.
You may also want to read this:
Words That Destroy a Narcissist
9 Secrets ALL Narcissists Keep
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