Number 3: They share a dark, deep secret with you immediately.
It’s like intimacy, but it’s bait. And initially, it’s like trust. It’s like intimacy, as if you have opened a door that no one ever has. They will look you straight in the eye with their own tired eyes and tell you something sad, maybe it’s the tale of some abusive ex who ruined them, a best friend who broke their trust, a brother who never loved them as much as they wished. They put themselves front and center in this narrative as the victim, the misinterpreted, the one who gave it all and received nothing in return.
And there you are, you’re drawn in not emotionally, but psychologically because now, unintentionally, you’ve taken sides. You’ve chosen them. You’ve promised yourself in secret to never become like the people who hurt them. You’ve already passed their first test not because you love them, but because you’ve believed them unquestioningly, and that was what they were after. It was never about vulnerability; it was bait, skillfully planted to assess you and figure out if you’ll take their reality and adopt it as your own.
If you’re compassionate, angry, or comforting, they know they’ve got you. You’ve signaled they are not in peril. They’re not individuals who ruminate and question enough. They’re individuals who feed, individuals who take in things, individuals who could be taught. Then, after that, they know you’ll view everything through the lens they’ve given. And you gradually no longer view things.
You no longer wonder if or not the story added up, if the timeline necessarily worked, if perhaps possibly even the bad guy in the story wasn’t the other person to begin with. But by then it’s too late. You’re no longer the listener; you’re the defender. You’re the believer. You’re the one defending a wound that may have never existed in the first place.
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