Number 5: They draw you into an ethical quandary to find out if you will betray yourself on their behalf or not.
And they do it so insidiously that you don’t even notice that it’s a test. No pressure, no conflict, just a careless request that is too trivial to bother with. Perhaps they ask you to lie to them, to deflect something that they’ve said or done, or to turn the other cheek for how they treated someone unscrupulously. It’s presented as harmless, something that you don’t want to get upset about just this once, just so that you don’t upset the apple cart and cause unnecessary trouble. But what they’re watching is not whether or not the task gets done; they’re watching what it does to you on the inside. They want to know if you will shut off your inner voice to defend their reputation, override your sense of unease to stay close to them.
It’s not your assistance that they need; it’s the signal that your values can be distorted into alignment around theirs. When you comply, even with something that seems trivial, they learn everything they need to know about you. They observe that your values get watered down when your emotional investment is on the line. They observe that your need to keep the peace is stronger than your need to stand up for your truth. That moment establishes a precedent for how to handle you from now on.
And it perpetuates from there. That one little compromise creates the setup for a quiet, consistent pattern. Each time you incline towards them, a bit more of your clarity dissolves. The distinctions between right and wrong begin to blur, not because you are unaware of better, but because you have been trained to hold them more than you. Before long, you start making choices not on what is real, but on what maintains the relationship.
That is precisely what they were trying to do. Because once you start betraying yourself on their behalf, they don’t need to push anymore. The control becomes internalized. You start censoring yourself. You start to expect their reactions. You establish your definition of right and wrong to what is comfortable for them. And once they have your definition of right and wrong, they don’t need to control you.
Read More: 5 Ways a Narcissist Humiliates You Without Saying Anything
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