Today I want to discuss five things that narcissists despise with a passion, things that most healthy, emotionally well people adore. But more than that, I want to discuss what you can do if you’re dating someone who has those qualities.
Let’s begin with one of the biggest narcissist triggers:
Number 1. Narcissists Hate Holidays
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, anything festive that isn’t revolving around them is usually greeted with disdain, passive-aggressive sabotage, or antagonism. While other humans welcome these times as a way to fortify relationships, bask in the love glow, or commemorate mutual beliefs, narcissists view them as a challenge to their vulnerable ego.
Why? Because they divert the focus from them. A celebration commemorates you, your family, or your friends. That shatters the narcissist’s very fundamental assumption that they and they alone should get the attention, praise, and admiration. Instead of happiness, they feel pathological jealousy.
They’re resentful of the way others can be happy without pretending. They’re uneasy watching people have fun without ulterior motives. They don’t like fun unless it’s fake or self-serving. So, instead of happily joining in, they’re likely to spoil the affair, not by mistake but on purpose. It’s what motivates them. Your disappointment, confusion, or hurt feelings are their gasoline.
So, What Can You Do?
First, accept the behavior for what it is. If each year you’re hoping this birthday or anniversary will be different, after all the evidence to the contrary, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Even when they play like things are going to be other (and lots of times they will, up until the one that counts), remember this: this isn’t a shortage of ability. They know what you want. They can give it to you. But they wield power without holding back. Watching you expect and then having your expectation collapse is part of their inventory.
Instead of waiting for the narcissist to show up in the way they never will, take back your power. Party without them if need be. Create your definition of special days. Enjoy and ritualize on your terms, without relying on their participation or approval. Because the thing is: their reaction is never about the event. It’s about control.
One of the most freeing things you can do when interacting with a narcissist is release the hope that they will ever arrive in the way you’d prefer. They won’t. They’re not interested in what’s important to you, holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. They’re threatened by it. So, rather than waiting for them to transform, move the focus to your own experience.
Let go of the fantasy that “maybe this year will be different.” Letting go of hope is not losing it’s letting go of yourself to have fun with what you enjoy without being emotionally hijacked by their brokenness.
And here’s something else that you can do: seek out ways of celebration that aren’t based on them at all.
I had one lady friend who, after years of failed anniversaries, just gave up trying to make the day special. No matter what she did, the day turned out wrong. So she invented a new tradition, Family Day. Rather than just celebrating the two of them, she made the day a celebration of her whole family. They all gave each other little gifts, had a good meal, and made the day a happy occasion without the narcissist’s involvement.
Of course, she assisted the children in purchasing and giving gifts. She purchased well-thought-out gifts for each of them. But she didn’t anticipate that the narcissist would do anything, and that decision alone really reduced her stress and enabled her to enjoy the day.
Was it the anniversary she had envisioned? No. But it became special. It became hers. She refused to let the bitterness of the narcissist determine the mood or snuff out the celebration.
You can, too. Special occasions might not resemble what you had envisioned them to be, but that does not mean that you have to give them over to misery. Take them back. Redirect them. Savor them despite the narcissist.
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