Number 2. Narcissists Hate Happiness
It is dramatic-sounding, but here is the unpalatable fact: narcissists dislike seeing you happy. The moment they spot your happiness, they will attempt to extinguish it.
To know how a narcissist responds to happiness, imagine someone in a New York apartment seeing a cockroach. That gut response, the urge to squash it right away, is how a narcissist responds when he sees you or someone you care about truly happy. Your happiness insults them. They don’t get it, can’t reach it, and so they attempt to destroy it.
In my coaching, I hear this a great deal from new people waking up to narcissistic abuse. They say innocent stuff, laughing at a friend, feeling the sun’s warmth on their face on a pleasant day, singing along and enjoying a song, then immediately the narcissist must pop out of nowhere with a nasty insult, a heartless stare, or a manufactured crisis.
And they ask, “Why would an individual do that? Why would someone ruin something so innocent as happiness?
Because for the narcissist, your happiness is intolerable. It reminds them of what they lack: inner peace, joy, and real emotional connection. And instead of being inspired by your light, they’re driven to extinguish it.
It seems unthinkable to someone with a healthy mind, but that’s the point. You’re not dealing with someone healthy. You’re dealing with someone toxic, dysfunctional, and deeply disconnected from reality, from themselves, and you.
Your happiness is threatening to a narcissist, not their false self, but their actual sense of self. Because the truth is, narcissists don’t experience happiness. They do not radiate from within either happiness or excitement. What they show is borrowed, copied, imitated, never authentic. They mimic other people’s emotions, but they don’t express them.
When they see you experiencing authentic happiness that springs from your very core, it reminds them of something they can never possess. You possess something they’ll never possess: the ability to be deep, real, and honest. And in their head, that makes you “better” than they are. Again, that’s their logic, not yours.
So what do they do? They attempt to destroy it. They must watch you miserable, it’s a pressure valve to them. If you’re not happy, then they can ease up. They can say, “Look at them. See, I’m not the unhappy one. They are. I’m fine.” Your happiness annihilates their fantasy, and that’s why they hate it so.
Now, if you’re still in the relationship, what can you do?
It’s all about what we discussed previously, letting go. Let go of something that you can’t control. When you’re with someone who is never satisfied with anything you do, but once was so, you’ll be chasing that other person, hoping that they’ll return. You keep thinking that perhaps if you work harder, they’ll be happy when you’re happy again.
But if indeed this person is toxic and narcissistic, all that happiness which you remember didn’t exist to begin with. That was a deception employed for manipulation. That was also used in the act of manipulation.
So, lose the notion that it’s up to you to keep them pleased. That never should be your life’s calling. In a healthy relationship, for sure let’s make each other happy. But if someone has revealed to you, over time, that they are unpleasant, unreachable, and emotionally dangerous, you have to ask yourself:
What am I doing to make myself happy?
Are you living the way you value, the way you want to, the way you love your children? Or are you so caught up in trying to please someone who can’t be pleased that you’ve lost the joy in the things that meant most to you?
You must understand their unhappiness is not your doing. Narcissists want you to think they’re unhappy due to you simply can’t cook the perfect recipe to delight them. That isn’t true, though. It is a strategy to manipulate you so you’ll stay in the hamster wheel, incessantly attempting, constantly hoping. They are unhappy because they made that choice.
When I’m coaching my clients, one of the things that I do to make them realize how intentional this dynamic is is by making them look at when the arguments happen. It’s never when they’re bad or overwhelmed. It’s always when everything is going well, when they’re having a good day, when they’re having a fun conversation, or on the way to an exciting event. That’s when it occurs: the verbal assault, the ambush of surprise, the bewilderment.
Why? Because narcissists are threatened by joy. Your joy. When things feel good, they feel at risk. They feel small. So they cause commotion to manage their discomfort, to snuff out your light, and return attention to themselves.
It’s difficult to believe that your happiness is not dependent on whether they like you or not. For many of us, it will cut to an older hurt. Perhaps, when we were children, we learned that our worth is in how other people perceive us. And now, dating someone who won’t or can’t find good in us, that hurt is opened up again, it’s dripping lemon on a wound that wasn’t even healed yet.
But healing that wound is what you do. You deserve to feel good about yourself, even if someone else does not give you your worth. You don’t need their approval to be happy.
One useful trick that I prefer to recommend is having some grounding phrases in your pocket for when they try to kill your joy, particularly when you’re doing something you love or sharing an interest. Rather than trying to explain yourself or convince them to see it the way you do, sometimes the only thing you need to say is:
“You’re allowed to have your opinion.”
“You’re free to see it that way.”
“That’s okay.”
No excuse. No justification. Just gentle boundaries that defend your peace.
Don’t downplay your light just because you’re dating someone who can’t handle the brightness.
You’re perfectly allowed to continue doing the things that make you happy, even if you’re seeing someone who appears to begrudge what everyone else is supposed to be rejoicing in. Narcissists resist what good people love: happiness, connection, authenticity, and most of all, when their partner prospers.
Narcissists resent normal, emotionally healthy people.
Good people love to see others happy. They love it when their partner is happy. But narcissists do not view happiness as something to be envied; they view it as something that threatens them. When you are shining with happiness, when you are secure and strong, it highlights their emotional poverty. And rather than being moved by your happiness, they are intimidated by it.
You may also want to read this:
7 Signs That A Narcissist Is Done With You
What Happens To Narcissists When They Get Older?
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