Number 3: Narcissists dislike it when their partner appears good.
This is where the contrast kicks in. When you’re in a healthy relationship, and someone makes a compliment about your partner’s appearance, you’re pleased, aren’t you? If someone says to me, “Your husband is so handsome,” I’d reply, “Thank you!” because that’s instinctive. We want our partners to feel well, look well, and be admired.
But not a narcissist.
If someone compliments you, whether on your looks, fitness, or even your achievements, a narcissist sees that as a personal blow. In their distorted mind, it means you’ve been “elevated” in someone else’s eyes, which makes them feel “lower.” Everything becomes a competition. Everything is about hierarchy and control.
That’s why they’ll tend to undermine what matters to you. If you enjoy exercising, they’ll discourage you. If you’re healthy, they’ll tell you you’re too skinny. If you gain weight, they’ll disparage that as well. There is no victory, because it never was about your body or your health; it was always about ensuring the spotlight never deviates from them.
You work for years attempting to transform into whatever you believe will finally make them happy lose weight, gain weight, dress differently, speak differently, but you always come up short. Not because you’re not enough, but because they don’t even want you to look and feel good. They want you small. They want the attention on them.
So here is the truth:
Their discomfort with your happiness, your confidence, your appearance, it’s not your problem to fix.
You are worthy of good feelings. You are worthy of being seen. And you certainly deserve to continue doing what makes you shine.
When your appearance is in jeopardy, a narcissist will get you into double bind situations in which no matter what you do, you’re wrong. I remember when I was dating a narcissist, my hair was quite long, and I loved it that way. Although I just cut it short, I’ve always liked having long hair. But when I was dating him, he made me cut it short, shoulder-length.
Within the hour, he complained that it wasn’t short enough. Same salon, same day. He insisted that they had done it wrong and made me go back there to have them shorten it. Then, when people commented on the new look or on how different I looked, his response word for word, the same day, was: “I think that women look more feminine and attractive with long hair.”
That’s what they do. They pick at your appearance, not because they care about you, but because they require the attention off of you and onto them. It’s not care, it’s control.
So, how do you handle it? What do you do when you’re dating someone like that?
If you’re reading this, you’re already doing step one: awareness. And awareness is a powerful tool. Here’s the bottom line: you’ve been living with someone who doesn’t care about your best.
So, begin to think about yourself. I know that’s uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been taught to believe that self-focus is selfish. But it’s not. It’s healthy. It’s necessary.
Ask yourself:
What matters to me?
Am I creating space for those things in my life?
Have I quit doing something I love because someone else disapproved of it?
If that’s the case, own it and begin to make small returns towards yourself. Take another look at your space, your style, your self. Because the alternative is giving someone else the power to wipe you out, just to prolong their fantasy. And you’re better than that.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing Is Caring!
