Narcissists have a deep-rooted fear of emotional discomfort. The moment a relationship demands vulnerability, accountability, or deeper emotional connection, they feel suffocated, choked. So they convince themselves that the problem isn’t within them; it is you. Ultimate self-gaslighting. It is the relationship. It is the circumstances. They begin to fantasize that life would be better if only if only they were with someone else, if only they had a different job, if only their partner didn’t expect so much. But all of that is a big lie.
What they are doing is running from the parts of themselves they do not want to confront. To them, a new person feels like a fresh start, someone who hasn’t yet seen their flaws, someone who will admire them without expectation, someone they expect to act like a doormat. And that same pattern points out the real problem, which is their inability to sit with discomfort, to build intimacy, or to handle the realities of a long-term relationship.
Now, you may wonder, why do they have to think the grass is greener on the other side? Why can’t they settle for what they have in their life? The problem is that the unknown is a lot easier to idealize. It is untouched, untested, and still perfect in their imagination, which is quite childish, to be honest. The moment reality creeps in, when flaws and challenges appear, the grass where they stand starts to look dry and lifeless not because it is, but because it demands something they fear the most. You know very well what that is: vulnerability.
You see, narcissists live in terror of their emptiness. Deep down, they feel profoundly unworthy and inadequate. But they can’t face it, so they convince themselves that the reason they feel dissatisfied is because they have not yet found the right person, the right experience, the right life. They tell themselves, “It’s not me; it’s my circumstances. I just need to keep looking.” But the grass always looks greener when you are running away from yourself. The moment they start feeling exposed when a partner sees beyond their charm, when success feels hollow, and when emotional intimacy is required, they panic.
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