So, how do they do it? They do it through a special structure in their language: comparison disguised as casual storytelling. They won’t just come out and say, “I am better than them.” No, no, that would blow their cover. Instead, they will start by mentioning someone else, someone they subtly judge as inferior: a friend, a neighbor, a colleague, a family member. And they won’t bash them outright; remember, the key is stealth.
They will say something like, “You know, it’s so hard for some people to stay patient with their kids. I mean, look at my sister; she’s doing her best, but I guess not everyone finds it easy to sit and do homework with their children every night.” There will be a brief soft smile, maybe a sigh, and, “Honestly, I have just always felt it’s really important to prioritize that time, no matter how tired I am. Even after a long day, I can’t just sleep knowing I didn’t give my kids that support.”
Bam! They just told you their sister is not doing enough, they are selfless and perfect, they are the standard of goodness, and they didn’t say anything bad about anyone. So, if you call them out, of course, you will look crazy. That is the genius of covert virtue signaling.
Let me give you a personal example to bring this home. This is something I have experienced, I have witnessed again and again in my own life, you know, with who? My covert narcissistic mother. She had this special talent of what I call “modest monologues.” It would start with a conversation that seemed innocent, like casually talking about her sister, how she was raising her children. There were no insults, no drama, just an innocent, seemingly loving observation: “She’s so sweet, you know, but I just wonder if maybe she is a little too lenient.
I mean, at that age, I used to be so strict about sleep times; it was always lights out by 8:30, no exceptions. It’s tough, but I think it builds discipline in the long run.” And boom, in a two-sentence story, she would slightly downgrade her sister without being rude, highlight her superior parenting, present herself as both loving and wise, and bypass any criticism because she wasn’t attacking anyone. That is what covert virtue signaling looks like in action.
And God forbid if you dare to point this hidden grandiosity out. If you say, “Hey, you are kind of putting her down to make yourself look better, what’s going on?” you will be met with a classic covert narcissist defense: “Me? No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m the most down-to-earth person I know. I never judge anyone; I was just sharing.” And there is a second layer of the trap: their humility itself becomes another form of grandiosity. They do not just brag about their actions; they brag about how humble they are for not bragging.
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